Anton Bartholomew: 67, filthy rich, slightly overweight, significantly hair deficient, who will only consider slender women, under 30, with firm buttocks and soft skin that possess no cogent opinions or salient verbal skills.
Sunny Ray Jenkins: 41, is a busty, longhaired ginger babe who can’t sing to save her life but sure looks like she can belt one out. However, she makes a mean peach cobbler, loves NASCAR, Vin Diesel movies, the Home Shopping Network and Ronald Reagan.
Patrick Clooney: 50-ish, salt and peppered, with the general consensus being his cousin George is the poor man’s Patrick Clooney.
Hester Wong: 24, diminutive with delectable double D’s, an alluring Malaysian lisp, who specializes in tantric-organic-colonic massage therapy.
Truth be told, Jay Goldberg: 17, wildly intelligent, seriously motivated, and outwardly awkward, loves his covert job. He makes up seductive profiles for a shady dating site. A few times a week he heads over to the local Starbucks and fuels up on iced passion green tea and marshmallow dream bars and bangs out twenty or so false identities at twelve bucks a pop.
People are wary of him. He looks unstable and ready to blow. They wonder if he’s a zealous hacktivist. Writing a Unabomber-like manifesto. Stalking a pretty girl who would never look twice at him. But Jay doesn’t concern himself with the worried stares and palpable tension his frenzied energy produces. He’s on an entrepreneurial mission.
Jay’s dream is to own and operate, “Liger Replica”, a celebrity lookalike agency that specializes in models who are a hybrid of popular personalities. Consider this: Lady Gaga/ Taylor Swift - Bruce Jenner/ Charlie Sheen - Tori Spelling/ Jessica Simpson - Justin Bieber/ Amanda Bynes, and the possibilities go on and on…
With six more profiles to go, Jay slurps down his second Trenta sized iced passion green tea and dreams of presiding over his agency as Napoleon Dynamite/ Justin Timberlake.
– Cat Gwynn 6/17/ 2013